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Apple Crisp

Blow away your mother-in-law, judgemental aunt or surly coworkers with your kick ass apple crisp. Like a boss. A baking boss. Word.

BLOG POSTINGS > Desserts & Baking

Apple Crisp

by Razwick

So I'd never actually made apple crisp before, I'd only ever seen my mother make it, and the last time that happened was several years ago. So, for some reason I was under the impression that this was going to be somewhat difficult but it certainly was not was the most intense test of my kitchen related skills ever.

Makes a pretty good breakfast too. Hey, if Captain Crunch is part of a balanced breakfast, so is apple crisp.

What you're going to need:

1 1/3 cups flour
2 1/3 cups rolled oats
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 1/2 cups packed brown sugar + extra for sprinkling
1 1/2 cups butter (softened)
4-6 medium sized apples

optional additions: 1tbsp lemon juice, 1 tsp vanilla, some undetermined amount of berry mush, I trust your judgement

I chose macintosh apples because they're sweet and soft, but I'd love to try pink ladies some time

Step one: Spend 45 minutes slicing apples because despite all the practice you've had since the last time you bitched about taking forever to slice things, you're* still terrible.

Step two: make your significant other take pity on and help you again by the sheer force of your failure. We all know you're the professional here, slicing apples is beneath you anyway.

*me, I'm terrible, I'm sure you're fabulous, you speedy slicer you.

Attempt to not eat 50% of your apple slices before they make it to the pan. *suspicious crunching noises*

Then, with absolutely zero order, decorum or shits given, toss all the dry stuff into a bowl and spin a spoon around it a few times to mix everything. Feel free to pour all the ingredients into the bowl from a foot or two above the bowl, because you're a goddamn master chef and that's just how easy it is for you.

Gordon Ramsay's got nothing on me, look at this masterpiece.

Now add the softened butter and any wet ingredients you're adding and cut it like you would with any other pastry until the mix is crumbly. Don't just mush it into a big batter ball. I mean, you could, but the Crisp Texture Police will issue a citation. The fine for that is like, 3 years of shame or something like that, don't do that to yourself.

For the love of all that is holy, someone buy me a pastry cutter.

Now, mush it all into the bottom of a pan anyway. Preferably a greased one. Use about half the mixture. Recipes keep telling me to use pans that are specific sizes, but who the hell knows what size their pans are? Do you people keep the tags or something? If you're some kind of kitchen nerd, feel free to use a 9x13 inch pan, I just picked this one at random:

The complexity is astounding. Bask in the glory of my mushing stuff into a pan skills.

Layer your apples down, I made a half-assed attempt to make them sit evening but I didn't exactly make even slices or anything like that so... just do your best. After that I spread some rhubarb and berry mash that my mother boiled off on top of the apples and sprinkled a little brown sugar over the whole concoction.

Uhhhh... yum? (note: use more berry mush than this, I would have liked more berry flavour)

Toss the rest of the crisp crumble mixture on top and press it down into a relatively even layer, be warned this is not as easy as it was to do on the bottom of a pan. It's really gonna test your skills.

I swear to the Kitchen Gods that this is a different picture.

Now toss that sucker in a 350 degree oven for 45-50 minutes. You may notice that I never mention preheating my oven before I've already finished making the entire recipe. This is because I never, ever remember to do that. I'd say to do better than me, but I kind of sabotaged you by only telling you the temp at the end of the post. Hah, sucker.

Master chefs are notoriously terrible at planning ahead. You can tell that I'm a member of The Elite because I forgot to take a picture of the end result of this (also that preheating thing). Luckily, I still had some left ... and it looks terrible, but there's a really shiny colander in the background for you to admire while you stuff your face with your superb, but unattractive apple crisp.

And just like that, with angelic music softly streaming through your kitchen, something healthy has become a gooey, delicious, and obviously professionally made dessert. VOILA!

You are now also a licensed Gordon Ramsay imitator, go yell at some kitchen lackeys.

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