Cooking Skillups - Experimental Cooking For Gamers
Register | Login


Email Password

Forgot Password? Click here

How to Fail at Tarts

A valiant first attempt at pastry, with less than ideal, but certainly entertaining results.If you have guests you'd like to freak out with a tart that looks like something died brutally to bring them this delicacy, boy, have I got a treat for you.

BLOG POSTINGS > Desserts & Baking

How to Fail at Tarts

by Razwick

So, you know how last time I went with a recipe that I knew so I couldn't screw it up? Well, here I am to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that that was a good choice.

So then, lets explore how to make Minced Organ Surprise, or if you prefer, how not to make fruit tarts!

I was using the 'modern berry tarts' recipe from, which is a site that posts and tests recipes based on descriptions of food in the Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones) series. The recipe I used for the pastry goes as follows:


  • 1 1/4 cup flour
  • 7 Tbsp soft stick butter
  • 1 egg
  • 2 Tbsp confectioners sugar
  • 1 Tbsp cornstarch
  • 1 lemon, zested
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
  • pinch of salt

Combine the flour, salt, sugar, cornstarch and butter until an even consistency is formed. Then add the zest, vanilla, and egg. Mix with your hands until everything is incorporated. Add flour if needed to create a dough that is not sticky. Flatten to a disk, wrap in cling film and cool in the refrigerator for 30 minutes."

It is a dirty filthy lie. Or I'm terrible at pastry. Or both, it's probably both.

So, to be totally fair, the filling was pretty good, it called for a pint of blackberries, a pint of raspberries, and half a cup of sugar. I tossed in a half a pint of sliced strawberries for extra flavour, and because the raspberries at the store looked a little sad that day. I also squeezed in the juice from half of one of the small lemons I zested for the crust. If I were going to make these again, I'd probably go a little lighter on the lemon, but it was a nice addition in general. If you do feel like making this sort of filling, just break up the berries to your desired consistency, add the sugar/lemon juice, stir evenly, and let it sit while you make your pastry.

Ok, so as far as the actual pastry dough... I've made fluffy biscuits before, and a few other things that were prepared in a similar way to the way you make pie crust, but I've never made something like this before.
Usually, you're going to cut your butter into the dry ingredients so that you end up with a nice crumbly texture, this is generally to make sure there's some fluff in the end result (I presume). Unfortunately this recipe was super vague about what an 'even consistency' is, so I just went with the standard crumbly texture. I've considered that this first step was the failing point of this recipe, but here's what I ended up with:

I continued to follow the recipe, which is really quite simple, it's the work that follows once you've got the dough that's supposed to be the complicated part. When I was working with the dough before cooling it, it kept cracking and wouldn't form the smooth ball that I'm used to seeing when other people work with pastry, so I was pretty sure that this wasn't going to end well, but I'm not one to leave things half-finished.

That up there is what the miserable lump looked like after chilling it for a while. Pretty sad, really. I began attempting to roll it and it was just this crumbly, cracking disaster. I did actually manage to roll out two disks that were about the right size to fit into the pockets of my muffin pan (yeah, that's the new one, right there on the right <3). Once it was pretty clear that there was no way in hell I was going to pull off rolling out another disk, I decided to improvise. I packed small lumps of the dough into a flat disc on the bottom of the muffin... holes (is there a standardized term for this?). I pressed them in a way that made the dough reach up the sides slightly so the filling would have a little dish to sit in.
Then I poured the filling in, completely neglecting to think through the part where I might actually have to get these suckers out of the pan at one point or another.

Into the oven they went, and 20 minutes later, Voila! I had the most unappealing baked goods I have ever produced. I had to enlist my ever helpful man-friend to assist me in removing the monstrosities from the pan. Throughout the 5-10 minute extraction process, we just about killed ourselves laughing, when the result turned out a little more... er... brutal than anticipated.

All things considered, they don't taste all that bad, though the pastry is a little greasy and in general, pretty unappealing. I did think it was fitting to a degree, given that the stories the recipe is based on are filled with pretty gruesome things. And I do think they work pretty fabulously for shock value, they'd be a great addition to a halloween party. Ultimately, they could still be made in this manner while using a better dough recipe, but I have no complaints about the way the filling turned out aside from my over zealous lemon squeezing.

It's now on my list to find a tastier less... strange dough recipe, expect an update on Raz vs. Tarts, Round Two some time this summer!

Mmmm, guts.

Until next time, folks!

You may also like:

Have you ever cooked something you wanted to share, but didn't want to start a whole blog?

Then you have come to the right place. Cooking skillups is a community blog that allows anyone to post and share their creations.

Simply register for access, and create your first posting. You can add pictures, story, recipe, anything you want to your posting. Social Media icons, comments and everything else will be added for you.

To join Cooking Skillups, simply Click here to begin our easy registration.

Want to learn more about

Visit our About page for more information.

Got a Question?

Drop me a line by going here.

©2015, all rights reserved.