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Scrambled Eggs

Yes, there IS a secret technique.

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Scrambled Eggs

by ValenceMagi

You can technically cook scrambled eggs in about 30 seconds, and I strongly recommend it if you have a house guest who can't take subtle hints that it's time to leave.

Otherwise, scrambled eggs are easy, delicious, and a solid staple to have in your cooking repertoire!

So I was in the grocer, staring at two cartons of identical style eggs. Free range, organic feed, hormone free. One carton was 60 cents cheaper then the other: the carton of brown eggs. Egg shell color makes exactly no difference at all, so if they wanted to save me 60 cents, who am I to argue?

The best tool for cooking scrambled eggs is a quality non-stick pan. Fun fact: this is just about the only thing a non-stick pan is good for. Don't fret if you don't have a non-stick pan, it just makes things easier to clean up.

The second best tool is a good silicon flipper like you see there. That's effectively non-stick, safe up to 600F, and is good at moving around the egg while getting into the edges of the pan. Regardless, have a mixing implement of some kind on hand and ready for use. Timing is critical with eggs.

Put the pan on medium-low heat, with a preference to the low side. Without getting too nerdy into the food science, heat makes the proteins shrink. The more intense the heat, the quicker the proteins contract, toughening up and squeezing out moisture.. This is why fast cook eggs tend to get dry and rubbery and fill you with that empty sad feeling like nothing will ever be good again.

While the pan is warming up, you're going to need you some eggs, sans shell. Don't tell me you're into keeping the shell on. I'm not falling for that a third time.

How to crack an egg one handed, because you are a rock star and the kitchen is your groupies.

Short answer: practice.

Long Answer: Pretend you're a raptor. Bird or dinosaur, I don't care. Make your hands into talons, using your thumb, pointer and middle fingers, with your thumb opposite your fingers. Take the egg, and grip in snugly your hand talons.

With the correct amount of force (See: short answer) strike the egg on a flat surface, then bring it over your bowl.

While maintaining the snug grip on the eggshell with the tips of your fingertalons, open your hand at the knuckle.


Once you have the correct number of eggs in your bowl (look into your heart, and you will find the answer), add a small splash of milk to the egg. The milk will add some flavor and moisture, and help spread out the egg proteins a bit so they don't contract as tightly when they cook.

If you're dapper, use a whisk to whisk up the mixture until it's reasonably monochrome. If you're not dapper, or if you're like me and hate having to clean the stupid whisk, use a fork.

Fun Fact: with a little bit more whole milk in there, this is basically a custard now. Throw in some sweetener and thickener, chill, and you're good to go.

Stay on target.

By now, your pan is probably warmed and ready. Take a small pat of butter, and cover all the surface of the pan you expect the egg will come in contact with.

Soon as you feel your buttered correctly, pour in the egg mix. Immediately, begin gently oh so gently stirring and mixing the eggs. You want to prevent the egg from staying in place too long, but maintain a sense of cohesion. You can see below the beginnings of ribbons of cooked egg as I mix and stir. If you're feeling advanced, use a bit of a folding motion to bring up the more cooked egg, while the still runny egg moves in to come in contact with the pan. It's a bit tough to describe, but with a little practice, it will make sense.

My pan was a little bit on the hot side, so the egg still cooked very quickly. However, with a lower and slower heat I can still easily control the preferred done-ness of the eggs. I like mine when they just start to get firm enough to be eaten with a fork.

The finished eggs, with a bit of fresh ground pepper on top. The camera didn't really capture how soft and moist they are, but I think you get the gist. Serve immediately!

Even with a few extra steps and a slower cooking process, you can go from having nothing to having delicious eggs in about 10 minutes.

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